The black dress stuck to my damp body, the southern September Sunday in full heat. It was hard to imagine that Jeffrey was gone. She would always be part of our story, since it was she who set us up on a blind date just two years prior. I was emotionally worn from the funeral and ready to make the 2-hour-drive and get back home.

“Let’s go for a hike!” Robbie said. “There’s this amazing park right here in town.”

Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.

I like the outdoors. Well, I like the idea of the outdoors. I don’t know, maybe I just like the indoors. But I seem to have this great apprehension when Robbie wants to do something outside, because I never quite seem prepared for it. Whether emotionally, physically, or both, I am ill-prepared, and I almost never have the right clothes.

The pajamas I’d packed for the overnight stay were my only other clothing besides the dress I was wearing, so we rolled up to Dollar General and purchased the only clothes we could find: a pajama tank top and a pair of blue and green boxer shorts emblazoned with toads saying “Toadally Awesome.” The irony was THICK.

I had an overwhelming sense of dread as we approached the park, stopped at the restroom, and looked for the trailhead. You would have thought he was asking me to climb Everest as I picked my nails and pouted. He was oblivious. 

We got to the trailhead in the deserted park and were presented with 1-mile and 3-mile options for our torture hike. He was almost giddy as he exclaimed with delight that we should do the 3-miler. “In these shoes?” I said. “No way!”

I could tell he was disappointed, but he succumbed to my wishes and off we went down the 1-mile trail. I tripped over roots on the winding trail and got bit by every mosquito in the county. 

As I lumbered behind him, the soles of my feet began to burn as they rubbed against my new Target dress sandals and my eyes filled with tears. He bounced along ahead, repeating how much fun he was having.

It wasn’t a challenging course by any stretch. One mile shouldn’t have been a big deal. And yet, I felt like I was dying. Sure, the heat was a little oppressive, and my feet were hurting, but my tear-streaked cheeks told the truth that turmoil was brewing in my heart.

With every step, I had to continue telling myself that I could do this. I could do it because I loved him. I knew it would ruin his time if he knew just how much I hated our activity, so I suffered silently.

I didn’t know it then, but that walk in the woods four years ago became a turning point in my marriage.

In those days, I would’ve told you Robbie was needy. I felt like he was constantly asking me to prove my love to him, and I was constantly failing.  I imagined him saying, “You better go on this hike, or you couldn’t possibly love me.”

We had struggled since we met to find activities that we both enjoyed doing together. Everything felt like a sacrifice, certainly not like fun. The truth is that he often didn’t feel loved, and I didn’t know why.

I had said “no” so often to the things that mattered to his heart, unknowingly wounding him. I now realize that my reasons for saying no were in part misunderstanding his needs and part due to my own fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be good enough, fear that I couldn’t physically keep up with him, fear that I would fail.

Thank the Lord for that terrible hike in the park! I needed to get to the point that I was willing to get uncomfortable to love him well and help him to feel safe. That day he was asking me to speak his language. It wasn’t just about hiking or some physical feat he was asking me to accomplish, like I thought it was. He longed for time with me. What I know now is that quality time is his love language. (Learn more about love languages here.)

I’m grateful that so much has changed and grown in us since that day. Now, if Robbie knows I am having a hard time with something, he wants me to tell him, and he is gracious and loving. We are continually working toward a marriage where the other feels safe, free to share and show our true heart, and not taking it personally when the other finds offense or doesn't see it our way.

That day in the park, God gave me the grace to choose Robbie. I spoke love to him in a language he could hear. I chose his heart above my comfort. I chose his activity, and therefore, I chose his heart above my fear.

In the same way that those who are deaf cannot hear themselves speak and find it challenging to pronounce simple words, fear deafens us, disabling us from speaking love plainly.

Fear deafens us, disabling us from speaking Love plainly.

But when we allow God’s work in us to silence fear, we are free to speak and act in love. And love chooses the other. It goes to any and all lengths, any effort to get to the heart of the other. It’s not easy, but with Jesus’ help it’s possible.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is radical. 

Love presses in even when it’s not convenient and especially when it’s not easy. 

Love is willing to sacrifice. 

I chose love that day, a love that looks like boxer shorts and blistered feet, and my marriage is better for it.

Sarah and I were strolling the cobblestone sidewalk, enjoying the sunshine by the waterfront, when she saw the birds. A flock of pigeons had gathered at the other end of the sidewalk, pecking and squawking. In her 3-year-old mind, it was, in fact, the end of the world.

She began wailing at the top of her little lungs, tears streaming down her cheeks in full blown panic. 

“It’s okay.” I told her in my soothing voice. “They’re not going to bother us!” 

I was sure she was worried they would fly near us and pester her or worse, steal her snacks. But I pressed in to ask, “Why are you afraid of the birds, Sarah?” And she told me her reality.

“They’re going to EAT MEEEEE!” she wailed. 

I knew full well these birds wouldn’t eat her and that it was irrational to believe so, but in her little world that was the only reality. She was frozen in fear, her feet glued to the stony ground.

“Come on,” I beckoned, “Let’s go the other way.” Her breaths were still coming rapidly and the tears falling freely, but she stopped a moment and took a deep breath. And then, I watched her do a remarkable thing. She spoke truth to herself.

“I’m safe,” she said aloud. And then she began to walk.

Fears of any size can paralyze us. No matter how irrational, when anxiety rears its ugly head we believe it may just gobble us up. Fear has real repercussions on our physical bodies, often causing us to breathe faster, our heart rate to rise, our vessels to constrict, and our glands to pour sweat. It can even cause lightheadedness and nausea. 

How interesting that a belief in the mind can so dramatically affect our physical bodies. I saw it firsthand in Sarah that day as she froze in panic.

These physical symptoms begin by encountering a fear and believing a lie behind it.

Personally, I often find myself fearing the unknown, anxiety rising when I sense something is out of my control. Why? I believe the lie that it’s all up to me. 

Maybe for you it’s a different lie. It could be a lie of regret: “If only I had…” Or one of shame: “I’ll never be able to…” Or fear of loss: “I could never survive if…”

There are several reasons we are not supposed to live in fear. The first is that it distorts our reality. 

When we live in fear, we live as though the feared thing is reality.

We are already living, either mentally or even physically, with the consequences as though the feared thing has happened.

The second reason we aren’t supposed to live in fear: it’s a command.

Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Jesus commanded us not to live in fear, and not to let anxiety and worry plague our days. 

He said in Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

It hit me recently why we are not supposed to worry about tomorrow. Lamentations 3:23 says that the Lord gives us new mercies every morning. We aren’t supposed to worry about tomorrow because we don’t have the grace and mercy yet for tomorrow! We will get the mercy for each day on that day. What a neat thought. The Lord will prepare us each day for what that day brings.

The last reason we aren’t supposed to worry and live in fear is that it doesn’t work!

The Word says that trusting in the Lord and keeping our eyes on Him is what truly works to steady our days and still our anxious hearts.

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT) “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Psalm 118:6-7 “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?  The Lord is with me; he is my helper.”

Let’s commit today, friends, to hand our worries and fears to the Lord. Let’s ask Him what He has for us and who He wants to be to us today. He meets every need and fills every longing. We need only ask. His truth will minister to those places of fear in our hearts and minds and root us in the very real and true reality of His goodness to us.